I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
