It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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