In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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