I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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