i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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