So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
