dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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