apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
