It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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