So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
