I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
