I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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