im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize