Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize