Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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