apparently the secret to your success is patron
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
