I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
