just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i think i just lost a toe
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
