I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
