You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
