your parents love me but you hate me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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