So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize