people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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