I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
