I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
