I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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