I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I looked at my own cervix.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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