I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
