Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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