remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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