I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
