booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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