I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
