y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
