im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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