I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
