i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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