You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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