"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize