I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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