Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
