I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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