I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
