from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize