I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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