if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
