I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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