I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
