i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
