i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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