My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
