You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
