If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
