I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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