y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
