Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
