My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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