I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
