Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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